The Art of ADHD

As an artist, my mind can be an interesting place. I’ve always been fascinated and sometimes utterly confused and frustrated by my thought process. When I am in a creative flow or community, it works well. Running a business… well that requires something different.

In the summer of 2022, I had gotten to a point of genuine frustration with myself. I was completely disorganized, and started to doubt my ability to continue running a small business with my mind in the state that I was in. My state of mind wasn’t new at all, but the level of frustration was, so I decided to finally have myself evaluated for ADHD. I had been self-diagnosed since I was a teen, but I needed confirmation, validation, something to make it all make sense.

Long story short, not only was what I already knew confirmed. I was also told that I was in the 92nd percentile! I didn’t know exactly what that meant so I asked, and she essentially told me that my symptoms were most likely severe. What does one do when they learn this information at the age of 44? I decided to try the medication, specifically Adderall. It was short lived for me and confirmed that medication was not my path.

Truthfully, I am very familiar with the symptoms that I’ve been living with practically my whole life. Here are just some that have been very prevalent in my journey: Disorganization, depression, anxiety, easily distracted, socially awkward, talkative, loud, hard to focus, hyper focused, forgetful, loses things, restless, interrupts others, unaware, hyper aware, impulsivity, fidgety, inattentive, very easily bored, overattentive, etc. This is just a list. For a long time, I thought everybody was like this. It’s hard to describe what living with ADHD on a daily basis is like so I’ll try to explain.

Most days, I would describe myself as a pinball in a pinball machine. Bouncing from here to there without any clear direction. I know the goal but getting there is challenging because of all the obstacles in my brain. I saw an analogy online that describes it perfectly. “It’s like having too many tabs open on the computer and not knowing which one the music is coming from”. Sometimes, it’s a lot but I don’t necessarily see any of it as a bad thing. This is a part of who I am, and I’ve realized that there is an art to living with ADHD.

The good things about having ADHD: I am creative, curious, driven, a risk taker and I think outside of the box. I’ve naturally developed modalities and coping mechanisms over the years that work for me to alleviate the not so good symptoms. I also still have a lot to learn and develop and I have self awareness. I know that creating systems for organization and planning is something that is necessary for me to be my best self. Physical activity and exercise are probably the most effective treatments for my ADHD. Proper hydration and healthy eating habits, which include whole foods and not a lot of processed foods is also important for me. I am learning the importance of rest and the different types. Check out this video on Youtube about the seven different types of rest. I talk to other people with ADHD for support and I am open and honest with my loved ones about my struggles. I have a therapist, an energy healer, a solid group of loved ones that are my tribe and a beautiful community.

I’m speaking more positively to myself and practicing finding humor in things that used to frustrate me about my symptoms & behaviors. This is the path that I’ve chosen.I am in no way saying that anyone else should follow my path. Individually, we must figure out what’s right for us. Each day, I am a blank canvas and I want to choose what I should paint as a proper representation of myself in the world. I will not box myself in with a label that society has created. I will not allow negativity to rule all that I do or don’t do. I’ll do my best to focus on the positive and use that to fuel my purpose. I share my truth in hopes that it will help someone to feel a little less alone on this journey. If you suspect that you have ADHD, it is not a bad thing. It can be challenging but with proper support, self-awareness, and planning, you’ll have the tools you need to thrive. If someone you love is living with ADHD, support them by giving them space to be themselves and ask them if there is anything you can do to support them on their journey.

The Art of Silence

By the end of 2023, I found myself in a space of burnout. Everything was overwhelming and I couldn’t decide which task was highest on my priority list. I started to fall into a depression and isolate because this is one of my coping mechanisms. Unfortunately, this is not the first time I’d gone through these feelings which can be very confusing. I have challenges like everyone else but I also have everything I need including a solid support system.

As an entrepreneur, woman, human, I found myself, once again in front of mountains of tasks which include all of the things I’ve been conditioned to believe are required to be “successful”. The realization that I had to find a way to bring that mountain down was daunting. As an artist, all of these tasks, leave very little room for creativity. I felt blocked, the world felt like it was in utter chaos and my mind was constantly on 1000%. Everything was so loud and I felt a deep need for silence. While I know what silence means by definition, It’s not an experience I’m familiar with as an adult. The majority of my life has been very traumatic, chaotic and loud. My conditions growing up forced me to be loud in order to be heard. Most people who know me now, don’t believe it when I tell them that I was an extremely shy, introverted and quiet child.

A few years ago, I heard about silent retreats and was intrigued. I’m a deeply spiritual person and I started to feel drawn to experience and practice silence for myself. I started to search and most of the retreats were abroad in places like Peru, Costa Rica & Tibet. This would be my first silent retreat so I felt like going overseas would be too extreme; they were also very expensive. After several months of searching, I finally found a five day silent retreat for beginners in upstate NY. I decided to book it since it was affordable and just a two hour drive from home.

Before going, I researched what to bring. A watch, layers of clothing, a journal, snacks and an open mind are the things I decided to bring based on my research. Kadampa Meditation Center is a Buddhist Temple set in the beautiful and scenic, Catskill Mountains. I arrived on Friday at 3:00 PM to check in. I was given a printed schedule for the five days as well as some tips for a successful stay. When I asked the woman checking me in if she wanted my device, she told me they were not collecting devices. She told me that everyone had free will and knew what they came for. They encouraged retreaters to turn there devices off to be completely present but they wouldn’t & couldn’t force anyone to do this. I knew the retreat wouldn’t be easy but this just made it a little more challenging.

I immediately messaged my people letting them know I arrived safely, turned off my phone and zipped it away in my bag. I walked up to my room to see what my accommodations would be for the next five days. The first thing I noticed was the simplicity and organization of everything. On the way to my room, there was no forced interaction with anyone. My room had a bed with linens, a dresser, a desk & chair, a bed side table, a Jack & Jill bathroom and a window with a picturesque view of the trees outside. My first night was pretty good until it was time to go to sleep. It took me close to two hours to fall asleep that night. I realized the reason was not only an unfamiliar environment but also that my brain wasn’t overstimulated by devices and technology.

The retreat really got started the next morning with full silence from wake up until lunch. Breakfast was so quiet with nothing but the noise of dishes clanking and people moving around. Not a word was uttered and there was something so refreshing about it. This was the beginning of something very different for me. By that afternoon, snow started to fall and the timing couldn’t have been better. Although we could talk that afternoon, so many people chose to start full silence. Full silence for the remainder of the retreat started the next morning at wake up and would lift at the end of the retreat three days later. The snow was still falling on Sunday morning and we all just watched in silence. Enjoying the beauty of nature uninterrupted by any noise.

The schedule was fluid and consistent every day:

7:00 wake up, wash my face, brush my teeth, get dressed

7:15 volunteer to clean the bathroom in the main dining area

7:30 self serve breakfast

9:00 - 10:30 meditation and Dharma at the Temple

10:30 break

11:30 - 1 meditation and Dharma at the Temple

1:00 lunch 1:30 volunteer to help with lunch dishes

2:00 optional mediation at the Temple or a break (I used this time to journal or to nap)

4:30 - 6 meditation and Dharma at the Temple

6:00 dinner 7:30 - 9 meditation and Dharma at the Temple

9:15 nighttime journaling

10:00 shower

10:30 bed time

Walking to the temple in the snow was so beautiful but I found fault with having to put on boots, a coat, a scarf & gloves for a five minute walk only to have to take them off again in the temple lounge. No shoes were allowed anywhere except for outside, the cafe, the dining room and the temple lounge. I think I had convinced myself that I was going to turn my phone in and sleep for five days. I just wanted to rest. For the first couple of days, it felt like I was in the movie Groundhog Day. We did the same thing over and over again. I was so resistant and agitated by the amount of movement involved. I was also challenged by the number of retreaters that chose to keep their phones on during the retreat. I had to remove judgement quickly and remind myself that we were all individuals there for different reasons. I knew what I was there for and the commitment I made. Judging others was not going to enhance or help my experience at all.

I was always present for the meditations though. Some were more challenging than others but I knew that was something I was committed to and wanted to learn. Most days, I was trying so hard that I made it more challenging for myself. I believe mediation is more surrender than effort. Just showing up to mediate on a daily basis is a pretty big deal. By morning three, I found myself in a flow and very deep appreciation. How many people would get to experience anything like this in their lifetime? The silence was palpable and peaceful. We all just respectfully moved in and out of spaces with each other almost effortlessly. Finding ways to communicate through body language and eye contact.

During the remaining time in silence, I wrote a lot. I had a general journal where I was taking notes from each mediation session. I also had a journal that was gifted to me called “Tell Me Your Life Story Mom”. The journal is meant to be filled in and shared with my children, grand children, future generations. Some of the questions were fun but some were incredibly deep and emotional. What better time to deep dive than during a silent retreat when introspection and self awareness are at their height? I also attempted and failed to paint a small oil painting of the trees outside my window. I walked, I slept, I watched nature, sat quietly in my room, meditated, went to the gift shop, explored the cafe but mostly, I followed the calendar provided which was a blue print for the discipline I crave in my daily life.

Overall, this experience was challenging and completely worth the time, energy and money spent. I walked away feeling inspired, having a stronger understanding of myself and the way I want to show up for myself and others during my time here on earth. I have a different perspective of others and feel less judgmental than I was going in. I have a sense of peace and some direction around what life looks like for me going forward. I feel rested and replenished and have continued to practice, meditation, self care and journaling daily. Ten out of ten I would recommend that everyone who is ready for elevation, peace and healing partake in a silent retreat like this one. Particularly at Kadampa if you are in the area or have the means to get here. I am so grateful for my time in this beautiful and peaceful place and all that I experienced while I was there.

The Art of Grief

grief /ɡrēf/ defined:

noun: grief

1. Deep sorrow, especially caused by someone's death. Example; "she was overcome with grief"

2. informal - trouble or annoyance. Example: "we were too tired to cause any grief"

This is a simple definition for grief, one that describes what grief might look like from the outside. It’s kind of like trying to explain what love is or how to find your life’s purpose. Grief is often un-explainable in words or simple context.

We are in the beginning of what might arguably be the most celebrated time of the year in America. With Nationally recognized holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas underway. I realize that the holiday season is often very difficult for so many due to loss and grief. As I reflect on all that I am grateful for this year, grief is one of them. Every year comes with an Eb and flow of tears for me, this year is no exception. My tears are very often, tears of gratitude and joy. I look at my life daily and am so happy with who I’ve become as a human being. Sometimes, my tears are from a place of deep sadness, from losses I’ve suffered throughout my lifetime. I’ve read about the five to seven stages of grief in hopes that it would help me to better process my own. I do believe in the stages of grief; I don’t believe they always happen in the order listed, nor do I think that people always complete each stage. In fact, I think many of us get stuck in one of the stages.

There is an art to grieving, a way of creating a beautiful mess from the inside out. Grief has been a beautiful tool for my growth and healing. It has afforded me the opportunity to create some of my most poignant art pieces and essays. Grief has helped me to examine what and who is most important to me in my life. Grief has offered me the opportunity to be still in moments when I want to distract myself from my emotions. When I really think back on my life, loss which sometimes turns into grief is where I’ve always gained the most wisdom.

Grief is a catalyst to change when we allow it to move through us in the way that it needs to. It is not something that I ask for in my prayers or quiet meditations. It’s a process I am still learning to navigate through daily and quite honestly, sometimes I trip over myself in the process. On my journey as an artist, I like to think that my emotions are one of the driving forces behind my creative process and the works that I produce. I think that’s true of most artists. Grief, as painful as it may be has been a necessary process for me to go through again and again in order to help me grow. If you or someone you know is going through a loss, I want you to know that you are not alone. Your feelings are valid and you deserve to experience joy again. I’ve found so much joy in honoring my lost loved ones through my life and my work. I hope you are able to do the same.

I Love Bridgeport

In 1998, I was 20 years old, engaged to be married and a struggling new mom. I was working a job and a half to make ends meet and going to school part time in hopes to secure some kind of financial future for my family. I was still living in the projects of Stamford where I was born and raised, but I desperately wanted a safer place for my daughter to grow up. I was determined for her to not to experience the traumas that I did and become a statistic like I was. No matter how much I wanted to stay in Stamford, it was impossible. There was nothing affordable to purchase, so we had to look elsewhere.

In an online search, Bridgeport kept showing up. I had family in Bridgeport but I never really heard good things about it. It didn’t seem like the right place to be looking for a home, especially if safety was my goal. I decided to take a look anyway. I wanted to see the possibilities and I was curious about what others were saying. I’ve never been a follower especially when it comes to opinions, I need to see things for myself to form a proper opinion. I’m not a realtor but I knew what I wanted and I had an idea of what we could afford. I would look up MLS numbers online and ask my realtor to schedule viewings. I had no idea what process this would all be for my already overwhelmed young mind. A little more than seven months later, we found a home on the north end of Bridgeport. It was what they called a factory home built for factory workers back in the 1940’s. It was small, it was quaint, it was ours.

Just one year in, I was pregnant with our son. We got married in an intimate ceremony in the back yard. My children learned to walk, talk, play and more in that home. I was very sheltered, focused on just raising our little family. We eventually sold this home and moved to a bigger home in neighboring Stratford. Although we moved to Stratford, I kept returning to Bridgeport which is where I felt most rooted. My husband and I eventually divorced and sold the house in Stratford. I returned to Bridgeport where I decided to rebuild my life.

I was introduced to the poetry and arts community right around 2007 which is when I really started to take root. I had never experienced anything like it in my life. This city was overflowing with culture, poets, artists, talent, love. I was embraced like I was from Bridgeport. I was introduced to even more people, more community,. more inspiration. I felt encouraged, seen , nourished like I had never experienced and I knew that Bridgeport is where I was meant to be. It was in Bridgeport, my passion for art was reawakened. It was in Bridgeport that my children learned more about themselves, their culture and developed thick skin. It was in Bridgeport that I began to come undone and open myself up to healing old wounds so that I could do better for myself, my children, myself, my family, my community.

I am now an active member of the community of Bridgeport. I am an established artist connected to many local organizations and creative communities. I am so excited about the possibilities for Bridgeport and proud to be a part of it’s growth. If you haven’t visited us yet, I strongly encourage you to do so. If you’re already here in Bridgeport, thank you for making it such a beautiful place to be and live.

Grow With Me

Grow With Me is a painting that I started in late 2019 and completed in 2020 right in the height of the pandemic. It’s a painting that came to me in a vision like many of my other pieces have. I felt personal, like it was a vision of me in the future with a healthy, loving partner that I could grow with. Like so many others, I’ve struggled with romantic relationships and finding someone that I felt equally yoked with. Over the years, I’ve healed a lot of old wounds. I’ve evolved and learned that I didn’t need to look for someone, that my someone would organically find me. I am a believer in love. I believe it heals all things starting with self.

I am also a self proclaimed tree hugger and my love for them has grown even more in the last few years. During Covid, I started to focus more on my overall health. Walking was one of the ways I did this. I would get up daily and walk for about an hour to clear my mind, get my blood flowing and get some fresh air. I followed a path near my home that allowed me to pass by many trees. I would literally touch each tree and say good morning. This period was such a challenging, beautiful and healing time for me. It really helped me to reconnect with myself and re-evaluate what was most important. During quarantine, I realized a repeated lesson and knew it was time for me to break a pattern within myself that I had been stuck in for more than half of my life.

I felt myself healing while I worked on this painting. It was like I was coming back to me and embracing myself whole, instead of in parts, like I had before. I felt myself manifesting something more than I could even comprehend. In late summer of 2020, I reconnected by chance with an old friend. He was somebody I always got along well with and we always had great conversations. We picked up right where we left off and grew closer each day. We both realized that our friendship was becoming more and made the mutual decision to give ourselves the opportunity to grow together. We have now been together for nearly two years and if I’m being honest, I believe the creation of “Grow With Me” manifested our relationship and ultimately the love of my life. I’ve never really liked the term “falling in love” It sounds painful and undesirable. Growing in love sounds far more realistic and desirable. And so the title of this painting was born. It is genuinely one of my most valued creations thus far. I hope this painting brings the same kind of love and abundance to others as it has brought to me. The original was collected in 2021 but high quality canvas and archival prints are available.

"Grow With Me" is a painting that represents union and love. When you embrace each other whole, you will stand rooted and strong in your love. The red lotus is a flower that blooms from mud, "no mud, no lotus" It is a reminder that though we will face challenges in our love, we can only continue to bloom and grow together. The open bloom at the foot of the tree continues to remind us that the heart is pure, passionate and fragile and that we should handle our hearts and the ones that we love with care and compassion. Although it is a printed version of the original, the piece has been hand embellished and signed by me. My hope is also that this piece will be a reminder of the strength that your love holds and you will continue to grow in that love, together. Visit the shop today to purchase your hand embellished print!