What Are You Waiting For?

Most of our lives we are told to wait. Wait to crawl, wait to walk, wait to learn, wait to pursue your career, wait to get married, wait to have children, wait to travel, wait to retire, wait to love...wait to live. What are we really waiting for? Who decides when we should wait, how long we should wait and why we should wait? So many people get to the end stages of their lives feeling regret for not pursuing the things they feel most passionate about. They wait out their opportunities or they simply pass them by because they get caught up in distractions. I've experienced more loss in the last ten years of my life than I'd like to admit. From the loss of my marriage to the loss of one of my very best friends and what feels like so much more.

My perspective on life has truly shifted. In all of the loss I experienced the things that I've gained in the process have truly been mind blowing for me. I used to stress and worry constantly about things out of my control. I spent a lot of time in dead end jobs and educational pursuits that had absolutely nothing to do with my purpose. In all of that commotion I eventually realized that none of those things were things that I really wanted to do or even felt that I was supposed to be doing. I realized that it was now or never and I had to stop waiting.Waiting for life to pass me by is not an option. I hear and see so many stories around me about how people have desires and passion for something and never pursued it. My family and close friends send blessings my way and tell me to continue on my path, yet they hold back from their passions.

Maybe it is because some of them are waiting on "God" to bless them, or maybe it could be that the desire has lost its flame, maybe it was just that "Life" took over the controls, I don't know. What I do know is what I have learned: "Faith without works is dead" and the Universe will not grant you abilities without putting in some kind of work. So I will keep pursuing my dreams and passions until the day comes where I am no longer on this earth to do so.This post is simple; What are you waiting for? What are the things holding you back? How many of your answers are excuses? How many of your answers are fear based? Take some time to really evaluate where you are right now. If you are happy, if you are doing what you love keep doing that! Keep growing and inspiring others. If you are not happy find what makes you happy and go do that! Stop waiting for tomorrow, for the money, for a degree, for permission. Stop waiting and go do it.

"Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for.

We are the change that we seek." Barack Obama

I Love Rainbows...

Rainbows have always fascinated me. As a child they showed up in nearly every drawing I created. When I shop I immediately gravitate to the most bright and vivid colors. Whether it represents God's covenant with mankind or the Irish tale of the pot of gold at the end, rainbows are truly inspiring. The color rainbows hold are like a palette for life. As an artist these colors are essential for re-creating vivid memories of scattered dreams and visions. I cannot imagine a colorless world. It would still be beautiful, but without diversity and contrast.I remember the first rainbow I ever saw, I was about four years young. I found it so amazing that something so beautiful could find it's way into a muddy puddle in the black top pavement of my parking lot. I was so excited that I showed my dad, he giggled and said it was just some oil from a car that mixed with the rain. I still thought it was beautiful. I remembered the tale of how you can find a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and wondered if this was one of those. From that day on I would stare outside as it rained. When the rain calmed down, I would run outside to the parking lot and look for rainbows in the pavement.

The first real rainbow I ever saw just mysteriously appeared after a rainstorm as the clouds were parting and the sun was peeking through. It was breathtaking and for a moment I thought I was dreaming and didn't know what to do with myself. Needless to say I never got a pot of gold because I couldn't even really tell where the end of the rainbow was. It remained suspended in the sky for just a little while and disappeared almost as mysteriously as it appeared. Rainbows represent many things in today’s society. They've appeared millions of times in our skies.

They are a beautiful reminder of the glorious colors we are created from. Life itself contains so many different colors and hues, different blends and strokes, like a painting. When I see the bright vivid colors of the rainbow, I feel them as well. In life we all experience storms; some storms are bigger than others, but when you see the rainbow at the end you find hope to keep pushing toward your goal. I try to live my life in contrast because it allows me to pull positive energy out of negativity. It is said that we have to experience rain to see the rainbow, and for the most part it is true. It is when the storm doesn't let up and the sky remains dark that we see no end. It's easy to lose hope that the sun will shine but once you see those colors, you know that better times are ahead. It may not be a literal pot of gold, but it's a pot of hope that contains the colors needed to bring your gloomy spirit back to life. We often get frustrated when it rains but nothing will grow without it. Rainbows represent hope after a storm. I feel privileged to have witness the magic of rainbows whether they are in the sky on the ground or on a canvas. If you happen to see me sporting the colors of the rainbow at any point in time please know that it is a symbol of self expression, life, love, hope and prosperity no matter what you are going through there is always a rainbow at the end..

Mariposa

Mariposa means butterfly in spanish. I'm not Spanish but I happen to love butterflies. From thier beautiful wings to the naturally inspiring life cycle they share so publically, I am obsessed! The obsession began in December of 1997 when my daughter was born and Mariah Carey's song "Butterfly" was released. The song was about a tranformational love that forever changed the life of the singer which was exactly how I felt about the love I felt for my child.During my pregnancy I realized that I was part of a miracle. The gift of carrying life is not something that everyone gets to experience. Even as a young mom to be I knew that I was officially responsible for the growth of another human being. It was scary and exciting all at once. I was her cocoon and she was literally transforming inside of me. When she was born I cried because I knew that someday she would grow wings and fly away.

Artists are constantly seeking inspiration in the world, nature happens to be one of my biggest inspirations. No one can paint and blend colors the way that nature does. A butterfly's wings are meticulous by design. Wings that are strong enough to carry them wherever they need to go but fragile enough to be broken at any given moment; as is life.

A few months ago a good friend shared a Vlog by Taren Guy who explains the life cycle in comparison to the butterfly. I was literally in tears by the end of this video because it is so accurate.

The catepillar crawls around inching its body to an anticipated destination. As it crawls it has no idea that there will likely be distractions surrounding it. Human life is a lot like this as well; we go on our daily journeys trying to reach a destination which we might call goals and dreams but we are easily distracted by our surroundings. The butterfly by nature posesses the goal to fly instead of crawl; with that in mind it never doubts that it will one day fly, it just knows. As the caterpillar finds a place of rest before it transitions, it wraps itself in a coccoon to avoid any outside interference and begins it's transformation. What exactly is going on inside of that coccoon is somewhat of a mystery, but it is clear that stage is done when the butterfly emerges with bright and beautiful wings. During my creative process I can't explain exactly what is going on in my mind but the final result always emerges in ways that I can't explain or comprehend.

Watching my children from womb (coccoon) to now young adults has been a mariposa experience. They are growing their own meticulously colored wings showing me how fragile life can really be while still having enough strength for survival. While the butterfly is still a caterpillar, it doesn't really see the entire world around it because of a limited view. When they begin to fly the world is shed in a whole new light and they can see and experience a lot more. This can come with many trials and errors, but the butterfly endures. I think as human beings we go in and out of stages from each chapter in our lives. We have the ability and advantage to go through the process again and again, each time emerging differently.I treat my art with the dignity of knowing that if I do not create from the right place (spiritually), it will not have the necessary impact.  I must be vulnerable enough to listen yet strong enough to comply with the direction of creativity. I cannot lock myself in a coccoon forever because I would not be able to succeed as an artist or a human being for that matter. It takes time and diligence to create whether on a living or gesso covered canvas. I must listen and learn from nature, it is by far the best teacher and example. The wonderous and mysterious life of a Mariposa is something to marvel and admire.

Finding Balance

I have this image in my head that I am on a tight rope like the one's in the circus. I am wearing a full body leotard and standard ballet shoes. In one hand I hold my family, friends, romance, dreams, visions and personal finances. In the other hand I'm holding paint brushes, pencils, pens, business finances and perhaps a glass of wine ;-).

How on earth can one human being walk a tight rope and hold all of this in their hands you ask? Precisely my question when I have this ridiculous vision. But is it ridiculous? Isn't it so true for so many of us that we hold onto way more than we can handle and try to balance it as if we are super human anomalies. Time with loved ones, self and work (that you love) is all very necessary.

Balance is something I strive for in my everyday life especially since becoming a full time artist. Day to day it seems as if I am being pulled in 100 different directions and my mind can't keep up. I am a mom, daughter, sister, friend, organizer, student, teacher, artist, business owner, visionary, public speaker, licensee, dreamer, doer, traveler, woman. In all of these blessed roles it is sometimes difficult to navigate; and anyone who knows me personally knows how terrible my sense of direction is while driving! Truthfully, I am still learning the art of work-life balance. This post is more about the struggles that I am facing in the journey than the art of balance itself.

2015 was the year of possibilities for me; making my dreams a realitiy by pursuing my art career full time. The struggle with being an emerging artist is that you have to really get yourself out there. If people don't know who you are they will definitely don't know what you do. I was involved in so many amazing projects and commissions that my head was spinning. I signed up for every opportunity that came my way because I truly had nothing to lose. From painting Human bodies in New Orleans and New York to nine foot dinosaurs in Stamford and adirondack benches in Stratford I was truly putting myself out there. It was all so amazing that it consumed me. My family and friends barely saw me unless they were with me in the flesh or saw my posts on social networking.This is where it gets difficult; there is a lot of sacrifice that occurs when you make the decision to go against the grain. Entrepreneurs have to start out by working harder and longer than the average 9 to 5. We have very late nights and early mornings and less time with the ones we love. Our brains move at a much faster pace because of trying to figure out the next move. While I did make the choice to become my own boss, I didn't intend for it to take over. This is where balance comes in.

I have two teenagers who quite honestly run hot and cold with me because that's what teenagers do. They are independent for the most part and able to do things for themselves but they still need their mom. I have to press pause on my business very often and tend to their needs because quite frankly they are my priority. Being your own boss has it's setbacks and benefits, one of the benefits is the ability to create your own schedule. While it is usually a very unconventional schedule, it's yours. I spend most of my time working so my personal time is very scarce. Socializing and dating have become somewhat of a puzzle that I am trying to piece together but I'm getting there.

Many people don't understand the malign works of balance so they fail to see it operating in their lives. EVERYTHING in life has to have some kind of balance to operate efficiently. If we didn't have bad in our lives how would we know what good was? I often have to pause and give thanks for the imbalance in my life because I know it is necessary for my growth. I am a work in progress and to step in the way of my progress would only hinder my growth.

At the end of the day I come home and see my children and it is a reminder of why I do what I do. We laugh together, cry together, we even burst out in song and dance together (literally). I want them to pursue their dreams, hone in on the things that they are great at and gift those things to the world. My balance is imbalance these days and while it is a challenge I am ok with it for now. I am still navigating and learning what works for me personally because I think balance is different for each of us. In the mean time I will continue to spend much needed quality time with my family, myself and my work.

“Somehow, we'll find it. The balance between whom we wish to be and whom we need to be. But for now, we simply have to be satisfied with who we are.”

― Brandon Sanderson, The Hero of Ages

The Pursuit of Happyness

One of my favorite movies is "The Pursuit of HappYness". This movie resonated in my spirit because I can relate to its storyline. I am a firm believer that everyone born into this world has a purpose. Each of us has a path for the pursuit to a fulfilled existence. Everyone’s pursuit although sometimes similar, is very different. My pursuit has been a barrage of up and downs (more ups) but I believe I have found my true happiness. My life as a child living in the "projects" of Stamford was full of challenge, excitement, curiosity and a lot of learning. Not the kind of learning that happens in and educational institution; the kind of learning that happens through life experience when you see a whole lot that you probably shouldn't see. I never really struggled to fit in because fitting in wasn't something I felt I needed to do. I struggled more trying to understand myself so that I could help others understand and accept me for whoever I was. My bedroom walls were covered in poetry, my friends signatures and random sketches all with permanent black marker. My clothing style varied from year to year but I was always eccentric with colorful, cut up clothing. Looking back I'm certain most people thought that was a phase. I was pretty quiet unless provoked and had serious anger management issues trying to cope with the divorce of my parents at a young age. I battled with depression and a very low self esteem. I had a hand full of friends who knew what made me tick, they saw my potential long before I ever did. I always had a burning desire to create and I knew it was the one thing in the world I was good at.

Before I even had the chance to figure out who I was, I fell in love with a man who became my entire existence. I had my first child at the age of 19 and knew immediately there would be a shift. Having my daughter lead me on a path of self preservation and caused my creative energy to become dormant. For the first ten years of her life I worked, went to school, took care of her and her little brother who is three years her junior; I did whatever a mom was supposed to do. From PTA meetings to dance classes, sports, play dates, holidays, homework, reading, writing and simply being there. In my mind, my responsibility was creating happiness for my children. Somewhere in the process of being a mom and wife I forgot to be myself. I had forgotten all about finding my own happiness and the lost little girl from Stamford who loved creating art.For years this creative energy was locked away and I'm pretty sure it was slowly killing my spirit. I found myself often wondering what I had to offer my children and the world. I knew I was destined for more and that I had to go in search of my own happiness. I began disconnecting from things and people that brought me down and started reconnecting to that which brought me the most joy as a child.

Art had a way with me that nothing or no one else ever did. When I began to create again it was like a wilting flower being nourished back to life. I started to meet people and form relationships that would be catalysts in my future career and my journey to happiness. My children have watched me come back to life and even the creativity that comes from them has astounded our entire family. When you have a calling in life it surrounds you until you finally give into it. You become an example to those around you without even realizing it. Becoming authentically yourself by following the path laid out specifically for you is necessary. When you stop fighting with yourself about who you are expected to be and just do what comes natural it brings peace. This is the place where happiness is manifested. Things that were once trivial become miniscule and you realize none of it really matters. No matter the struggles that ensue, I have a drive to never give up. Like 'Will Smith' in Pursuit of HappYness I see past the troubles because they are just obstacles to distract me from what's most important.

What is your aspiration in life? My response is simple, to be happy. So many people are searching for happiness as if it is hiding in a dark alley somewhere. I've grown to understand that all of the searching you do outside of yourself is totally in vain. We are simply vessels with a temporary lifespan in this ocean called life and we must humble ourselves. You have to figure out what makes you happy. Ego has no place in true happiness so shedding your ego which feeds fear is one of the first things you must do. Happiness is a choice, it is something that you must practice consciously even when the world around you is not a happy place. When you make the decision to be truly happy it pours from your inner core and spills out into the atmosphere around you.

My Sun (son), Brandon introduced me to the song "Happy" by Pharrel Williams a couple of years ago. It got so much air play that most people grew tired and annoyed of it, I didn't. To this day anytime the song comes on I turn it up and start dancing as if no one is watching. Smile, laugh, dance, travel, be of service to others and don't ever let anything or anyone determine what your happy looks like.

“Happiness is the meaning and purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence.”

~ Aristotle