Journal entry: November 1, 2019
TRIGGER WARNING
In November 2018 I awoke from a dream where I was holding a gun to my head. When I pulled the trigger, thirteen black butterflies emerged. It was disturbing to say the least, but I immediately knew I had to paint it. I fought it for a while because of the nature of the piece and admittedly because I didn’t completely understand it. I fell into a depression after about two weeks of holding it in. Four full blown days of darkness and my spirit told me to go to the studio and start the piece. I decided to move forward with the sketch on canvas. It’s meaning has unfolded in the process of its creation. It is a very layered piece, both personal and political, all me.
Personal: I battled depression for nearly half my life. Suicidal thoughts and ideations were a part of this battle. I’ve learned over the years and through treatment that much of my battle was a spiritual one. Personally, this piece represents my struggle with duality. It’s about the death of my ego and the birth of my constant transformation as a spiritual being having a human experience. The ego, the mind has often been a source of pain and confusion for me. The gunshot to my head is the killing of my ego. The gun is a .45, our current president is the 45th. The black butterflies represent the release of negativity and darkness. The 40 stars represent my age at the time this dream came to me. The 12 stripes represent completion for me because life as I know has ended. You must be willing to die to be born again. My rebirth has begun.
Politically: I am bi-racial which is why my flesh is painted black and white. My arm is painted as a part of the fabric of the American flag which represents conformity. The white, bright white, black and grey stars represent the people of this country, some burn brighter than others according to our political system. These stars are actively falling from their places in the box. There is destruction in the background and large pools of blue blood because we all bleed the same. There are twelve stripes instead of thirteen which is representative of the incomplete and tarnished history of our country. The black butterflies exploding from my exit wound represent the 13th amendment, the abolishment of slavery which has only become mass incarceration. The shards of glass which are part of the explosion represent parts of wings being broken, dreams shattered, people lost. The pieces of glass came from my car window which was shot in a drive by shooting in early 2019. I was not in the car and nobody was hurt.
