By the end of 2023, I found myself in a space of burnout. Everything was overwhelming and I couldn’t decide which task was highest on my priority list. I started to fall into a depression and isolate because this is one of my coping mechanisms. Unfortunately, this is not the first time I’d gone through these feelings which can be very confusing. I have challenges like everyone else but I also have everything I need including a solid support system.
As an entrepreneur, woman, human, I found myself, once again in front of mountains of tasks which include all of the things I’ve been conditioned to believe are required to be “successful”. The realization that I had to find a way to bring that mountain down was daunting. As an artist, all of these tasks, leave very little room for creativity. I felt blocked, the world felt like it was in utter chaos and my mind was constantly on 1000%. Everything was so loud and I felt a deep need for silence. While I know what silence means by definition, It’s not an experience I’m familiar with as an adult. The majority of my life has been very traumatic, chaotic and loud. My conditions growing up forced me to be loud in order to be heard. Most people who know me now, don’t believe it when I tell them that I was an extremely shy, introverted and quiet child.
A few years ago, I heard about silent retreats and was intrigued. I’m a deeply spiritual person and I started to feel drawn to experience and practice silence for myself. I started to search and most of the retreats were abroad in places like Peru, Costa Rica & Tibet. This would be my first silent retreat so I felt like going overseas would be too extreme; they were also very expensive. After several months of searching, I finally found a five day silent retreat for beginners in upstate NY. I decided to book it since it was affordable and just a two hour drive from home.
Before going, I researched what to bring. A watch, layers of clothing, a journal, snacks and an open mind are the things I decided to bring based on my research. Kadampa Meditation Center is a Buddhist Temple set in the beautiful and scenic, Catskill Mountains. I arrived on Friday at 3:00 PM to check in. I was given a printed schedule for the five days as well as some tips for a successful stay. When I asked the woman checking me in if she wanted my device, she told me they were not collecting devices. She told me that everyone had free will and knew what they came for. They encouraged retreaters to turn there devices off to be completely present but they wouldn’t & couldn’t force anyone to do this. I knew the retreat wouldn’t be easy but this just made it a little more challenging.
I immediately messaged my people letting them know I arrived safely, turned off my phone and zipped it away in my bag. I walked up to my room to see what my accommodations would be for the next five days. The first thing I noticed was the simplicity and organization of everything. On the way to my room, there was no forced interaction with anyone. My room had a bed with linens, a dresser, a desk & chair, a bed side table, a Jack & Jill bathroom and a window with a picturesque view of the trees outside. My first night was pretty good until it was time to go to sleep. It took me close to two hours to fall asleep that night. I realized the reason was not only an unfamiliar environment but also that my brain wasn’t overstimulated by devices and technology.
The retreat really got started the next morning with full silence from wake up until lunch. Breakfast was so quiet with nothing but the noise of dishes clanking and people moving around. Not a word was uttered and there was something so refreshing about it. This was the beginning of something very different for me. By that afternoon, snow started to fall and the timing couldn’t have been better. Although we could talk that afternoon, so many people chose to start full silence. Full silence for the remainder of the retreat started the next morning at wake up and would lift at the end of the retreat three days later. The snow was still falling on Sunday morning and we all just watched in silence. Enjoying the beauty of nature uninterrupted by any noise.
The schedule was fluid and consistent every day:
7:00 wake up, wash my face, brush my teeth, get dressed
7:15 volunteer to clean the bathroom in the main dining area
7:30 self serve breakfast
9:00 - 10:30 meditation and Dharma at the Temple
10:30 break
11:30 - 1 meditation and Dharma at the Temple
1:00 lunch 1:30 volunteer to help with lunch dishes
2:00 optional mediation at the Temple or a break (I used this time to journal or to nap)
4:30 - 6 meditation and Dharma at the Temple
6:00 dinner 7:30 - 9 meditation and Dharma at the Temple
9:15 nighttime journaling
10:00 shower
10:30 bed time
Walking to the temple in the snow was so beautiful but I found fault with having to put on boots, a coat, a scarf & gloves for a five minute walk only to have to take them off again in the temple lounge. No shoes were allowed anywhere except for outside, the cafe, the dining room and the temple lounge. I think I had convinced myself that I was going to turn my phone in and sleep for five days. I just wanted to rest. For the first couple of days, it felt like I was in the movie Groundhog Day. We did the same thing over and over again. I was so resistant and agitated by the amount of movement involved. I was also challenged by the number of retreaters that chose to keep their phones on during the retreat. I had to remove judgement quickly and remind myself that we were all individuals there for different reasons. I knew what I was there for and the commitment I made. Judging others was not going to enhance or help my experience at all.
I was always present for the meditations though. Some were more challenging than others but I knew that was something I was committed to and wanted to learn. Most days, I was trying so hard that I made it more challenging for myself. I believe mediation is more surrender than effort. Just showing up to mediate on a daily basis is a pretty big deal. By morning three, I found myself in a flow and very deep appreciation. How many people would get to experience anything like this in their lifetime? The silence was palpable and peaceful. We all just respectfully moved in and out of spaces with each other almost effortlessly. Finding ways to communicate through body language and eye contact.
During the remaining time in silence, I wrote a lot. I had a general journal where I was taking notes from each mediation session. I also had a journal that was gifted to me called “Tell Me Your Life Story Mom”. The journal is meant to be filled in and shared with my children, grand children, future generations. Some of the questions were fun but some were incredibly deep and emotional. What better time to deep dive than during a silent retreat when introspection and self awareness are at their height? I also attempted and failed to paint a small oil painting of the trees outside my window. I walked, I slept, I watched nature, sat quietly in my room, meditated, went to the gift shop, explored the cafe but mostly, I followed the calendar provided which was a blue print for the discipline I crave in my daily life.
Overall, this experience was challenging and completely worth the time, energy and money spent. I walked away feeling inspired, having a stronger understanding of myself and the way I want to show up for myself and others during my time here on earth. I have a different perspective of others and feel less judgmental than I was going in. I have a sense of peace and some direction around what life looks like for me going forward. I feel rested and replenished and have continued to practice, meditation, self care and journaling daily. Ten out of ten I would recommend that everyone who is ready for elevation, peace and healing partake in a silent retreat like this one. Particularly at Kadampa if you are in the area or have the means to get here. I am so grateful for my time in this beautiful and peaceful place and all that I experienced while I was there.